Okay so I sent TT a text saying how busy I was and that I had a really good time and kind of trailed off and left it at that. BUT THEN I GOT THIS BACK… STRAIGHT AWAY.
‘No rest for the wicked then!! I left our room (our room? I’m sorry, was I so drunk that I married you and bought a house?) about 11 then went to bed in dressing room was trying to find my feet all day. Had to do the show on auto pilot, was happy that I wasn’t the only one in the company hung over. Got some time off coming soon so we could get together and do something? I do want to see you again, hope sooner rather than later. Xxx’
Seriously, men of the world, what is wrong with you people?!?!?!
So for the first time in forever I go out with a guy, have some fun and don’t fall head over heels in love only to find out he was only after one thing, and then he actually wants tosee me again? It’s just too ironic.
It doesn’t change anything mind you, I still don’t actually want to date him. I also don’t think my lady place could take another assault like last time so I won’t be sleeping with him again. So what can I do? Just… not text back. Ever again. Like the total wimp I am!
The thing is, after realising I’d been dating a complete loser, having an epiphany about my previous half-hearted attempts at living it up and deciding to embark on the next year with confidence and gusto, the penny is gradually dropping. I’m not going to stop this journey of self discovery just because TT wants me to be his girlfriend.
One day, I want to find love. Real, gut-wrenching, shakespearean, TRUE love. The thing is, I can see now that I’ve never even come close. It’s definitely out there, I know people who have found it, so I’m not too worried about finding it because I truly believe it will show up someday. However, in the mean time, I’ve been thinking. Dating is great fun, usually involves drinks and flirtation and giggles and if it goes well usually ends in sex, and all these things are fabulous. However, if after a few dates you’re not feeling the magic of true love beginning to take over… what exactly is the point? I mean, I’ve known people (and been in the situation myself) when it’s very clear that one person is more into the relationship than the other. In these cases I now think; what is the point? People may argue that the closeness you get out of a relationship is better than being single, but is it? Is it really? If you have a good group of mates you’ve always got someone to spend time with, and if you need a good dose of mushy words just pick up a copy of Jane Eyre. At the end of the day, by jumping ship on a dead end relationship the only thing you’d actually have to make an effort to get would be sex, so staying in a relationship purely for that is basically lazy.
I now see that the men I’ve slept with in the past haven’t necessarily all been arse holes, it’s just that I got involved and they didn’t. I spent days wondering; why didn’t he call me? Am I fat and ugly and hideous? What is so wrong with me that he couldn’t fall in love with me but he fell for the next girl that came along?
Well, the answer is this. You can fall in love with plenty of people throughout the course of your life, but it will only be truly fantastic if that person falls in love with you too. Why waste time trying to make someone feel the same way or hoping they will change their minds? Just move on, and find the one who will love you back.
So, much as I feel sorry for Trilby, the sad fact is that if I saw him again or (god forbid) actually became his girlfriend, I wouldn’t feel the same way about it as he would me. It wouldn’t work. It would end in tears. So really by not calling him, I’m saving him the trouble right now.
Now, what would be kind of wrong would be if I texted him in a few weeks when I fancied a shag, and then dropped him all over again. Unless both parties are willing, booty calls are not cool. Poor Nicole just got a text this week from the last guy who messed around who didn’t call (because, like me, he just didn’t see himself being with her… it’s harsh but it’s not wrong. It’s just the way it is!) and lo and behold he apparently wants to see her again. I told her to tell him to take a long walk off a short cliff. It’s just not worth the hassle of getting involved with him again.
Yesterday I went for coffee and cupcakes in Primrose Bakery with a few of my girlfriends in a show of support for Irish, who has just been dumped by her boyfriend of 3 years. By email. Ouch.
Last week I went for a drink with my Northern Chum who broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks before and felt really bad because he knew she was a lot more into him than he’d been into her. He broke it off because he felt like he was being selfish staying with her when he knew he’d be ending it a bit further down the line.
Both these situations are sad, but at the end of the day Irish would never have stayed with her boyfriend because he wouldn’t leave Ireland and she wouldn’t leave London. She’s an actress, she needs to be here. And my Northern Chum would have ended up making both him and his girlfriend miserable because he would never be able to give her the love she wanted.
Which brings me around to the fact that… TVboy broke up with me because he couldn’t see us being together long term. It’s true, I couldn’t either, but I was labouring under the illusion that there here and now was more important. I mean, he’s still a total cock who was quite possibly sleeping with his new emo chick girlfriend while we were still together, but it was all for the best. In the grand scheme.
So these are my words of wisdom for the humpday. All these pennies have dropped in the first month of 2010, the year of all good things. I can’t wait to get stuck into the next eleven months!
Much love to you all, especially my insane friend NORA (of pavement face-planting fame) who succeeded in getting me to spill my alter-ego name over 50′s-style burger and chips in Ed’s Diner yesterday.