So last night I went to meet the lovely Nora for a bite to eat – which is actually quite tricky feat as Nora is allergic to everything. Seriously, when you invite the girl over for dinner she brings her own can of beans and sausages (remember them? they still make them!) so she isn’t an inconvenience. Bless her cottons.
Anyway, it just so happens that I’ve got rather good at finding places to cater to her mad intolerances, so last night we headed over to Beetroot Vegetarian Cafe on Berwick Street in Soho. It’s one of my favourite places – you know everything’s veggie friendly, and you just buy a box (small, medium or large) and then point in the general direction of what looks tasty and they whack it all in there for you. Personally, if I could eat nothing but their roasted veggies for the rest of my life I’d be okay with that.
We got onto the subject of Mimi and her current drama with her swedish lesbian lover (she likes her drama that girl) which reminded Nora of a recent experience of her own.
‘You know how I go to that church?’
‘I do indeed.’ Each week, crazy, bohemian, rosie-and-jim-boat dwelling Nora goes to this crazy church place and plays the most ridiculous sounding sports (Ultimate Frisby, for example) and then goes for a sauna and a beer after with the other church folk.
‘Well, the other week I heard people talking about this girl who does massages, I thought I could do with one because I’d just got back from touring and had been driving a lot, so I asked her if I could get one. It was only £15 for half an hour so I thought, why not?’
Why did I get the feeling this was going to get interesting, I wonder?
‘It was really great and everything, but then she told me to turn over,’ Why would you? ‘So I did… and then she started giving me a boob massage! She said loads of people carry tention in their boobs!
‘What did you do?!’
‘Nothing! I closed my eyes first and then thought maybe that wasn’t the best idea so I opened my eyes and then I didn’t know where to look! I looked at her and she was looking back at me and smiling!’
At this point I get a mental image of the situation and just how uncomfortable Nora – who once decided to give lesbianism a go and went on a date with a woman to a gay bar, giggled a bit and then remembered that she actually likes cock – must have looked. I almost choked on my sausage-free sausage roll.
It gets better.
‘Then this week I saw her and said hello, and then she asked me if I was going for a sauna because she was and she wanted to join me!’ At this point Nora nearly has an anurism. ‘At what point did I give off the lesbian vibe?’
Um… around the time you let this woman fondle your breasts? Poor, unsuspecting Nora.
We then proceded to reminisce about a show we were once in together in a theatre around the corner, and recalled the most amazing pub lunch we’d ever had (while recording the album of said show) in a studio near (ish) to my dear old mum’s house. We soon became obsessed with eating there again, and decided we needed to roadtrip up to the midlands and go there again. Checking schedules we realised that we were booked up for ages and ages… except for this weekend. Suddenly, a completely awesome plan was born, to get up bright and early on Saturday, drive up to surprise my mum (for Mother’s Day – see my logic? Don’t have to acknowledge that I forgot to send a card!) and casually suggest popping over to the most amazing pub lunch pub in the world for a bite to eat.
I called my little sister to make sure they were going to be around at the weekend;
‘Hey, are you about on Saturday?’
‘Well… I’m going out.’ Of course. She’s always out. Students, bah.
‘Will mum be home though?’
‘Because… Nora and I are going to drive up to *** and surprise mum for mother’s day!’ *Fanfare* *Trumpets* *Streamers*
‘Hmm… alright then. But you’re not coming out with me.’
Thanks little sis. I miss you too.
Might have something to do with when I pulled that bassist she fancied… maybe. Geez, you only chased after him for two years and then I swooped in and distracted him with my womanly curves… let it go girl!
And there lie my weekend plans… stay tuned!
For those who care, Beetroot Vegetarian Cafe is at 92 Berwick Street, Soho, Londonia. Open til 9pm, it’s basically amazing, and I highly recommend it.