Absolute fucking DISASTER people. We’re talking apocalyptic proportions.
Some of you (those of you who don’t pay that much attention to my whinging on twitter) may not know that I’ve been slowly dying of a mysterious incapacitating illness for the past few months (yes, months. You’d whinge too) and despite their best (read: crap) efforts, the NHS has utterly failed so far to find out what’s wrong with me.
Rather generic symptoms have plagued my life, seemingly forever, the worst of which being bouts of daily stomach cramping, the likes of which Aunt Flo has never inflicted upon me. I’ve had so much blood taken for testing that I’ve had to top it up with red wine just to stay on my feet. And yes, I am aware just how dramatic I’m being about this, but wait for it. You’ll understand in a minute.
After the n’th completely useless doctor’s appointment, I decided I wasn’t dragging myself down the road to the surgery any more just for them to tell me ‘nope, sorry, it’s not that’ so instead I took to calling in for various test results, and one particularly genius (read: pure evil) nurse, while sympathetic to my frustration, came up with a plan that would prove catastrophic.
‘You know, you do seem to drink a lot of caffeine’ the Spawn of Satan commented, as she perused my file (which by that point included a fair few weeks of food diaries and shizzle). ‘You might want to try cutting it for a few weeks and see if that makes a difference.’
I explained to the Devil Woman that simply ‘cutting caffeine’ for a bit was just not an option unless it was for my January detox, when I’ve had 11 months to prepare myself for the withdrawal, seeing as I work in the West End dahling and frankly depending on the time of day, you cut us and we bleed coffee or wine.
Never the less, after another day of relentless misery (yes, I’m hamming this up, but my guts have been tied in a knot for three months, it makes a girl a tad loco) I decided I’d humour her, if only so I could ring her up and tell her the good news that she’s a fool and should stick to the day job. As a result, I haven’t had a cup of coffee or hit of diet coke since Sunday.
And I feel 100% fine.