I dumped AF.
When he was at home, sick.
Because I am an evil, cold hearted bitch.
Now hear me out, it had to happen, you know it did. The thing was, I’d thought I’d have more time to come up with something to say, a decent way to end it, in person (or at least on the phone) like a proper grown up, but then my monumental sieve of a memory pan struck again and he had to remind me I’d asked him to be my plus one to the theatre this week. Oh bugger.
I spent an afternoon agonising (when I probably should have been paying attention to Tony Nominations and the like) and in the end I realised I had to stop procrastinating via text and bite the bullet. He deserved a gentle let down, in a coherent, babble free formats – so of course, actual conversation was out. In such ‘emotional’ situations, I have about as much tact as Prince Harry on a night out in Golder’s Green, so I had to go for email.
His reply came HOURS later. He wasn’t entirely sure what to say (because he was really actually sick and his brain was all fuzzy). He supposed I was right and the spark wasn’t sparky enough, but he still really liked me (blah blah booty call blah). He felt sorry for himself and ‘wanted a cuddle’.
Okay, so it was heartbreaking, I made the perfectly nice boy sad, but that right there is concrete evidence it was the right thing to do. Whoever he is, hiding out there in the world, my man does not ‘want a cuddle’. He might get them on occasion, if I’m a bit drunk or emotional and on my period, but he will never declare that he ‘wants’ one.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: as much passion as a soggy tissue. A girl needs a bit of monster* in her man for Pete’s sake.
And so, I downed half a bottle of vodka (on ice, I’m not a total loser) and indulged in a low fat dessert, bought a new lipstick and a very nice handbag, and moved on.
And that, I’m afraid, is the end of that.
*note – although it is slightly nerdy, it should be known that this is a kinky Buffy quote. I’m not actually suggesting I’m looking for a wife beater, or a character from Avenue Q.