Tag Archives: Trilby

To Sext Or Not To Sext, That Is The Question

Posted on February 9, 2010 | Leave a comment

Ahhhhhh the sex text, the most foolish of horny things.

You know that thought that occurs to you when you’re out with your girlfriends and you just HAVE to text that guy right there and then? Fine if he’s out too and a little bit drunk… not so fine if he’s stone cold sober and fancies you more than you fancy him.

I made this ridiculously stupid error a couple of weeks ago while out with Nicole and a couple of out other gal pals. Nicole was texting The Revolutionary (we’ll get to that later) and another of our friends was texting a damn fine looking barman (who I believe she is still yet to sleep with… sort it out woman!). Anyhoo, with no one on the go for me to text (this was between my epiphany and Trilby’s texts) I thought it would be a really good idea to text this poor boy I knew from my office, who had made it quite clear that he fancied me. To this day I do kind of like him, but 1) he’s shorter than me, 2) he’s actually really nice so I’d probably end up messing him about and 3) I work in the same building as him so it would NEVER EVER WORK. However, because I had a lot of wine in me that particular evening, I conveniently forgot these factors and started texting him so I’d have something to squeal about when my phone went off. I believe my first text was something very classy, something along the lines of; ‘Wooooooo! I’m drunk! xxx’

Obviously this is an inviting conversation opener. The texts began, passing back and forth about how he was just about to fall asleep, then about how ‘FAME’ was playing the the bar I was in, then how we should go for a drink after work one night (doh!), then how he hated his job, to which I responded something along the lines of ‘not all jobs are bad ;)‘

Quite frankly, what a ho bag.

Anyhow, the conversation petered out and the next week when he asked me out I made some kind of CRAP excuse about being busy every evening that week and then by the next week it had gotten a little bit awkward. Horrible horrible Ritzi! I’d say I won’t ever do it again but I probably will. I don’t have that much self control. If it helps at all the same night my friend called TVboy pretending to be a chinese takeaway at 4am and I heard his voice and cried. Karma! He’s a dick though so it’s fine :)

Then of course, there is the other kind of sex text (herein referred to as the ‘Sext’) which is altogether more mortifying. You see in my case, if office boy were to show my texts to his mates the next day the best they could do was laugh about the fact that I’d insinuated that I was good at giving blow jobs. Nicole however, committed the other kind of Sext Crime.

Over Margaritas (thank you Las Iguanas) she told me most of the tale. She left out some of the exact wording but little does she know she actually gave significantly more away on Friday night after lots of free Sambuca. She also gave the oddly attractive barman her number that night, but I’m pretty sure that will be a story for another day.

So it’s a regular thursday night, she’s at home, and she gets a text from The Revolutionary. She has already ticked a box with this pratt so basically she gets no points for any further activities with him and should just not bother. Also, he makes he cry a lot. Heeeeeeeeeeee’s a bastard! Last week we decided she would tell him to bugger off and she did. Then he texted again.

First of all he made small talk, probably because he was on the way home from work and didn’t fancy getting a hard on on the train. Then later on he asked her what she was doing and she replied that she was just catching up on emails etc (and no doubt reading her pal Ritzi’s blog I’m sure), to which he responding by asking what she would rather be doing. To her credit, at first she wasn’t playing his game, but it seems this guy’s rather smooth and when she shot him down he sent a text back telling her exactly what he would like to be doing to her. Now, I am not privy to the actual phrasing of this but I believe it involved some kind of tongue action… and we’re not talking tonsil hockey.

She says she didn’t encourage him at this point (Uh huh) but probably responded with something along the lines of ‘oh stop! (but don’t really)’

Then he told her exactly what else he wanted to do. I’m assured it’s not weird or anything, so I’m assuming it was along the lines of shagging her brains out.

Then he stopped texting. The absolute bastard (once he’d wanked off I imagine) left her hanging on the last text… quite possibly the same technique he uses in real life after demonstrating his inadequet female pleasing skills. She later (drunkenly – well she was with me, what do you expect?) text again (nooooo!) saying simply ‘You’re rubbish’. This would have been fine if she hadn’t ended it with the dreaded ‘X’.

Utterly ridiculously this was a much talked about Sext conversation both over the weekend and over lunch. And why??? She did not even like him that much in the first place. This was a guy who Nicole met when trying to get over someone else, purely rebound, and to embrace her new found sense of freedom and sexuality she went home with him and had a one night stand. The next week we went for coffee and our conversation went like this.

Nicole: ‘The thing is I don’t really even like him that much,’

Ritzi: ‘Then why are you bothered?’

Nicole: ‘I don’t know! But why isn’t he texting back?’

Ritzi: ‘Well, probably because he’s a twat and he already got his end away.’

A week later cue the drunken evening in our favourite theatre bar where she’s texting him and I’m texting the poor Office Boy. A few weeks later he’s still the subject of much heartache. What is that about these men that make them so appealing? One weekend VERY VERY SOON we are going to go out and she is going to get herself a Trilby-esque experience that leaves her free and liberated. I’m going to make sure of it, even if I have to don a moustache and shag her myself.

Speaking of Trilby, he texted me again. Ouch. Saying he had some time off and he would love to go for a drink or dinner or something… this was about a week ago and I’ve been putting it off. Now it’s too late to text back! I’m a bad bad person, but liberated! So it’s fine.

Right?

Much love!

RitziCx

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Oi! This Never Happened To Carrie Bradshaw!

Posted on February 3, 2010 | Leave a comment

Okay so I sent TT a text saying how busy I was and that I had a really good time and kind of trailed off and left it at that. BUT THEN I GOT THIS BACK… STRAIGHT AWAY.

‘No rest for the wicked then!! I left our room (our room? I’m sorry, was I so drunk that I married you and bought a house?) about 11 then went to bed in dressing room was trying to find my feet all day. Had to do the show on auto pilot, was happy that I wasn’t the only one in the company hung over. Got some time off coming soon so we could get together and do something? I do want to see you again, hope sooner rather than later. Xxx’

ARGH!

Seriously, men of the world, what is wrong with you people?!?!?!

So for the first time in forever I go out with a guy, have some fun and don’t fall head over heels in love only to find out he was only after one thing, and then he actually wants tosee me again? It’s just too ironic.

It doesn’t change anything mind you, I still don’t actually want to date him. I also don’t think my lady place could take another assault like last time so I won’t be sleeping with him again. So what can I do? Just… not text back. Ever again. Like the total wimp I am!

The thing is, after realising I’d been dating a complete loser, having an epiphany about my previous half-hearted attempts at living it up and deciding to embark on the next year with confidence and gusto, the penny is gradually dropping. I’m not going to stop this journey of self discovery just because TT wants me to be his girlfriend.

One day, I want to find love. Real, gut-wrenching, shakespearean, TRUE love. The thing is, I can see now that I’ve never even come close. It’s definitely out there, I know people who have found it, so I’m not too worried about finding it because I truly believe it will show up someday. However, in the mean time, I’ve been thinking. Dating is great fun, usually involves drinks and flirtation and giggles and if it goes well usually ends in sex, and all these things are fabulous. However, if after a few dates you’re not feeling the magic of true love beginning to take over… what exactly is the point? I mean, I’ve known people (and been in the situation myself) when it’s very clear that one person is more into the relationship than the other. In these cases I now think; what is the point? People may argue that the closeness you get out of a relationship is better than being single, but is it? Is it really? If you have a good group of mates you’ve always got someone to spend time with, and if you need a good dose of mushy words just pick up a copy of Jane Eyre. At the end of the day, by jumping ship on a dead end relationship the only thing you’d actually have to make an effort to get would be sex, so staying in a relationship purely for that is basically lazy.

I now see that the men I’ve slept with in the past haven’t necessarily all been arse holes, it’s just that I got involved and they didn’t. I spent days wondering; why didn’t he call me? Am I fat and ugly and hideous? What is so wrong with me that he couldn’t fall in love with me but he fell for the next girl that came along?

Well, the answer is this. You can fall in love with plenty of people throughout the course of your life, but it will only be truly fantastic if that person falls in love with you too. Why waste time trying to make someone feel the same way or hoping they will change their minds? Just move on, and find the one who will love you back.

So, much as I feel sorry for Trilby, the sad fact is that if I saw him again or (god forbid) actually became his girlfriend, I wouldn’t feel the same way about it as he would me. It wouldn’t work. It would end in tears. So really by not calling him, I’m saving him the trouble right now.

Now, what would be kind of wrong would be if I texted him in a few weeks when I fancied a shag, and then dropped him all over again. Unless both parties are willing, booty calls are not cool. Poor Nicole just got a text this week from the last guy who messed around who didn’t call (because, like me, he just didn’t see himself being with her… it’s harsh but it’s not wrong. It’s just the way it is!) and lo and behold he apparently wants to see her again. I told her to tell him to take a long walk off a short cliff. It’s just not worth the hassle of getting involved with him again.

Yesterday I went for coffee and cupcakes in Primrose Bakery with a few of my girlfriends in a show of support for Irish, who has just been dumped by her boyfriend of 3 years. By email. Ouch.

Last week I went for a drink with my Northern Chum who broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks before and felt really bad because he knew she was a lot more into him than he’d been into her. He broke it off because he felt like he was being selfish staying with her when he knew he’d be ending it a bit further down the line.

Both these situations are sad, but at the end of the day Irish would never have stayed with her boyfriend because he wouldn’t leave Ireland and she wouldn’t leave London. She’s an actress, she needs to be here. And my Northern Chum would have ended up making both him and his girlfriend miserable because he would never be able to give her the love she wanted.

Which brings me around to the fact that… TVboy broke up with me because he couldn’t see us being together long term. It’s true, I couldn’t either, but I was labouring under the illusion that there here and now was more important. I mean, he’s still a total cock who was quite possibly sleeping with his new emo chick girlfriend while we were still together, but it was all for the best. In the grand scheme.

So these are my words of wisdom for the humpday. All these pennies have dropped in the first month of 2010, the year of all good things. I can’t wait to get stuck into the next eleven months!

Much love to you all, especially my insane friend NORA (of pavement face-planting fame) who succeeded in getting me to spill my alter-ego name over 50′s-style burger and chips in Ed’s Diner yesterday.

RitziCx

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Ritzi’s Adventures In Ensemble Bingo Land : Part One

Posted on February 1, 2010 | 1 Comment

WARNING… THIS COULD GET A BIT NAUGHTY

Hello all! Well, it’s a little later than promised but gosh darn it, how typical that I actually get given work to do on the day I have so much to tell! Ah well, tis all set aside to tell you the tale of my date with Tilted Trilby.

So the lead up to this date has been a bit of a mission. Looking back in hindsight I’d say that next time I go about ticking a box I’m going to try and get it done quickly and painlessly… like tearing off a bandaid. Seriously. So much time has been spent texting this guy that it almost felt like a chore by the time I actually got around to going on the date. But I digress…

So, on Saturday I got myself all dolled up and looking fabulous. I had to nip into town in the afternoon to get a wax since the stupid salon double booked me on Friday… outrageous! So after massive amounts of pain I got myself home and showered and make up-ed and manicured and coiffed and whatever else was required, then I got myself down to the theatre and picked up my ticket. When I sat down in the auditorium I realised I had a text from Tilted asking where I was sitting and saying that he was really looking forward to seeing me. At this point I got a slight case of cold feet – not because of the sex thing, you understand, but because of the general slightly questionable nature of what Nicole and I are doing at the moment. I did think for a minute that just because so many blokes in the industry have been arse holes to us in the past, I might have just found the one genuine one among them who actually wanted to be nice to me. Ah well, tis all part of the exercise!

So after the show (which was actually pretty damn good) we went for a few drinks, which turned into several, which turned into many, and before I knew it we were checking into a hotel. A hotel! Of all the cliches. Some general obligatory chit chat took place, followed by the inevitable first kiss.

I do find it quite amusing that it was so obvious how the night was going to play out, since we didn’t even make out until we were actually in the hotel room.

I should probably take this moment to point out that Tilted Trilby is of the 2nd generation Jamaican persuasion, which is something that this little white girl from a very monotonous part of England has not sampled before. Sceptical as I was of the old theory that all black men are well endowed, I’ve got to give this guy some credit. It was… well… ouch.

So back to the story.

We’re in the hotel room, making out. First thing I notice is that the boy seems to think he’s a lizard. Seriously, I didn’t know they made tongues that long, and it’s like constanttonsil hockey. I think my jaw is actually strained from trying to keep up… well that and… I’ll get to that in a sec.

I get pushed back onto the bed (which wasn’t that comfy, considering it was quite pricey) and suddenly I’m naked. How did that happen? Magical powers of clothing removal give him a few extra points. In retaliation I’m a bit more haphazard in tearing his clothes off, but it’s totally worth the popped buttons because this boy is a fine male specimen. I’m pretty sure the nature of their show requires them to be quite buff, so they have some kind of in house trainer. THANK YOU MISTER TRAINER! Suddenly I’m getting all the attention, and that lizard tongue doesn’t seem such a problem any more. That’s all I’m going to say.

The actual sex itself was pretty carnal, and started out just as athletic as it meant to go on. I didn’t think it was really the best time to point out that though he may do eight shows a week and go to the gym and have that fitness advantage of being, well, male, that I am the most unfit non-smoker in the history of the universe. Seriously, my office is on the 2nd floor and I need a rest when I get there. So, like a marathon runner I gritted my teeth and did my best to keep up.

You know the expression, when your eyes are bigger than your stomach? Subsitute some words in that sentence and you have the reason I won’t be hitting that again. Not that it wasn’t a lot of fun and very naughty and probably better cardio than I’ve put myself through all year, but sometimes, big can be just a little bit too big. Thank the lord I was blessed with award winning cleavage, or I may not have survived. Ooo… dirty.

The next morning I managed to escape quite early, seeing as I had already concocted myself an alibi the night before and was picking my godson up for lunch. (Yes, I do appreciate the irony of spending time with the boy who I’m supposed to be keeping on the straight and narrow after a night of passion with someone who’s real surname I’m not even sure I can pronounce). After I left I staggered home to sleep for a couple of precious hours, and when I woke up I was suddenly a lot more aware of just how adventurous my night’s activities had been. In fact, it’s still causing a problem, I’ve got some serious joint ache going on here!

That afternoon I got the following text message;

‘Thought I’d let you know that I had a really good time last night. Know you’re busy so if you’re up for meeting up again just let me know. Have a good day and hopefully catch up soon X’

Oh man! He doesn’t actually like me does he? I mean, it was fun and everything but even if sleeping with him again wouldn’t risk my health, I still don’t really fancy fancy him. As in, ‘I’d like to spend time outside the bedroom with you’ kind of fancying. It might sound harsh but it’s exactly what’s happened to me in the past, so karma’s a bitch! Am thinking I’ll probably say something along the lines of ’twas fun, I’ll call you’ and then just… not. Eek. How dreadful.

There are a couple of very important observation that need to me made at this point. The first, that Nicole and I just toasted with Monday Margarita’s a couple of hours ago, was that due to Tilted being revealed through the power of programmes to be an understudy in his show, I get two whole points on the bingo board… woop woop! The second, is that although I feel kind of bad that I don’t have any kind of emotional attachment to the guy, the more important thing to remember is that I feel no emotional attachment to the guy. It has now been proved that Ritzi can sleep with an actor type and not fall irrevocably and disastrously in love with them afterwards. Score!

And so we come to the end of today’s tale kids, and the moral of the story is… just because someone looks a bit scrawny in real life, doesn’t mean they definitely won’t split you in two if you shag them.

Much love!

RitziCx

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Eventful Bedtimes

Posted on January 28, 2010 | Leave a comment

No I haven’t bedded Trilby yet. Before you ask.

For the last few days I’ve been suffering a bit of slepdep (my new fangled term for sleep deprivation since I’m too tired to say the whole thng any more) and not for the naughty reasons you might think (or hope).

The weird thing is I’ve been going to bed really early, and falling asleep quite quickly, but my dreams have been such marathon missions that I wake up feeling like I haven’t been to sleep at all! I know work is kinda hectic at the moment, and I’ve got an upcoming date with TT, and UGLY BETTY JUST GOT CANCELLED but seriously… I’m not that stressed out am I?

The best one was a couple of nights ago after I had spent the night running all over London (in the dream) I finally ended up getting into bed (in the dream) at an ex-ex-ex-ex-ex boyfriends house. The moment my head hit the pillow (in the dream) my alarm went off. Not in the dream. And it was six am and somehow I had to get out of bed and get in the shower and down about a gallon of coffee and get on a train and go to work. Again. It’s getting a bit annoying.

Last night I was organising a one off one man show for an actor named Adam, who’s not actually called Adam but he was in the dream, and Anna Friel was there watching this show because apparently Adam (not really called Adam) was in Harry Potter with her husband. Then my family showed up and the show turned into some kind of crazy rave. I was just thinking about how nice it would be to go home and get into bed when… you guessed it… the alarm went off.

I am hoping that I’ve just got a lot of pent up energy and a good roll in the hay this weekend will sort that out. I’ll have to let you know. If anyone has any suggestions I’d be happy to hear them!

In other news, Hairspray the musical is closing. Crikey. Maybe they should have gone for Reality Tv casting after all.

Wicked, however, appears not to mind Reality TV folks and has cast Rachel Tucker (from that Nancy show) as Elphaba and Lee Mead (from that Joseph thang) as Fiyero. Oh joy. Can’t wait to see him in jodphurs.

I’m going to go fall asleep on my keyboard right now.

G’night.

RitziCx

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Ooo, Crisis Of Conscience!

Posted on January 25, 2010 | Leave a comment

Well, what an unexpected weekend I have had. On saturday evening, I found myself at Bloomsbury Lanes Bowling Alley for my friends birthday, which was all in all a strange experience in itself. Has anyone ever been to Bloomsbury Lanes? It’s near Euston Station. Seriously, it’s like the place is going through an identity crisis. Half of it is a kind of underground bowling alley – kind of like how you’d expect bowling alleys to look if knocking down pins was suddenly made illegal. Then the other half of it is like a night club with exposed pipes and dodgy house music, with these weird bits of washing line hanging everywhere that people seem to use to hang up their coats… even though there’s a free cloak room… odd. Then, on top of all this, there’s a seating area that is laid out like an old school fifties diner, although there’s not a burger and fries in sight. All in all – WEIRD.

At half past midnight (yes, that’s right. HALF PAST MIDNIGHT) we started bowling. Having been up all day and ready for bed, I struggled to focus on where the lanes were, but once I had a few drinks in me (served in classy plastic cups) I was ready and raring to go.

Don’t ask me how… but somehow I managed to win. HOW?!?! I have no idea. I didn’t get a single strike, or even a spare, I was just consistently average. Considering I spent half the time wondering why there wasn’t a button on the back of the bowling ball to let go of when I flung it at the pins. Too much time on the Wii over Christmas, me thinks?

So after that and a half game of crazy bowling (where you get points for the most inventive method of throwing the ball) we went and sat in the diner-come-bar and enjoyed a few drinks.

Then suddenly, it was 3am??? How did that happen???

After much procrastination I finally staggered home at 4.30am, and promptly slept until lunchtime.

There is one teeeeeny tiny problem with my evening though. I found myself spending most of my evening chatting to NYE and another guy who we’ll call ‘Forbidden Fruit’. Herein lies my problem.

NYE is off limits, that’s understandable. Also, he’s not an actor anymore either, so gets me no points in Ensemble Bingo.

Forbidden IS an actor. And very hot. And flirted with me ALL night. And exchanged numbers with me at the end of the night in the guise of us both going to see a show we have mutual friends in. We’re not going to see it, it’s on tour. That’s too far out of the West End for people like me to comprehend.

‘Why is Ritzi deliberating this clear opportunity to tick a box on the Bingo Board?’ I hear you cry.

The simple fact that once upon a time my very best friend was inescapably in love with him.

She’s engaged (to a complete wanker but that’s another story) and he was in a relationship at the time so nothing ever happened between them, but if I even put the feelers out there to see if she’s still crushing on him… OUCH! WOAH! Where did my head go?! Etc etc etc.

See my dilema? There’s also the problem that he bears a striking resemblence to another of my past heartbreakers… so that probably wouldn’t end well.

Why oh why is life so complicated?

In other news, date is set with Tilted Trilby whose last text read – ‘So I’ve sorted out the early evening entertainment, why don’t you handle what happens later?’ Oh yeah, that’s right. Totally ticking a box this weekend.

Happy Monday!

RitziCx

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