Ahhhhhh the sex text, the most foolish of horny things.
You know that thought that occurs to you when you’re out with your girlfriends and you just HAVE to text that guy right there and then? Fine if he’s out too and a little bit drunk… not so fine if he’s stone cold sober and fancies you more than you fancy him.
I made this ridiculously stupid error a couple of weeks ago while out with Nicole and a couple of out other gal pals. Nicole was texting The Revolutionary (we’ll get to that later) and another of our friends was texting a damn fine looking barman (who I believe she is still yet to sleep with… sort it out woman!). Anyhoo, with no one on the go for me to text (this was between my epiphany and Trilby’s texts) I thought it would be a really good idea to text this poor boy I knew from my office, who had made it quite clear that he fancied me. To this day I do kind of like him, but 1) he’s shorter than me, 2) he’s actually really nice so I’d probably end up messing him about and 3) I work in the same building as him so it would NEVER EVER WORK. However, because I had a lot of wine in me that particular evening, I conveniently forgot these factors and started texting him so I’d have something to squeal about when my phone went off. I believe my first text was something very classy, something along the lines of; ‘Wooooooo! I’m drunk! xxx’
Obviously this is an inviting conversation opener. The texts began, passing back and forth about how he was just about to fall asleep, then about how ‘FAME’ was playing the the bar I was in, then how we should go for a drink after work one night (doh!), then how he hated his job, to which I responded something along the lines of ‘not all jobs are bad ‘
Quite frankly, what a ho bag.
Anyhow, the conversation petered out and the next week when he asked me out I made some kind of CRAP excuse about being busy every evening that week and then by the next week it had gotten a little bit awkward. Horrible horrible Ritzi! I’d say I won’t ever do it again but I probably will. I don’t have that much self control. If it helps at all the same night my friend called TVboy pretending to be a chinese takeaway at 4am and I heard his voice and cried. Karma! He’s a dick though so it’s fine
Then of course, there is the other kind of sex text (herein referred to as the ‘Sext’) which is altogether more mortifying. You see in my case, if office boy were to show my texts to his mates the next day the best they could do was laugh about the fact that I’d insinuated that I was good at giving blow jobs. Nicole however, committed the other kind of Sext Crime.
Over Margaritas (thank you Las Iguanas) she told me most of the tale. She left out some of the exact wording but little does she know she actually gave significantly more away on Friday night after lots of free Sambuca. She also gave the oddly attractive barman her number that night, but I’m pretty sure that will be a story for another day.
So it’s a regular thursday night, she’s at home, and she gets a text from The Revolutionary. She has already ticked a box with this pratt so basically she gets no points for any further activities with him and should just not bother. Also, he makes he cry a lot. Heeeeeeeeeeee’s a bastard! Last week we decided she would tell him to bugger off and she did. Then he texted again.
First of all he made small talk, probably because he was on the way home from work and didn’t fancy getting a hard on on the train. Then later on he asked her what she was doing and she replied that she was just catching up on emails etc (and no doubt reading her pal Ritzi’s blog I’m sure), to which he responding by asking what she would rather be doing. To her credit, at first she wasn’t playing his game, but it seems this guy’s rather smooth and when she shot him down he sent a text back telling her exactly what he would like to be doing to her. Now, I am not privy to the actual phrasing of this but I believe it involved some kind of tongue action… and we’re not talking tonsil hockey.
She says she didn’t encourage him at this point (Uh huh) but probably responded with something along the lines of ‘oh stop! (but don’t really)’
Then he told her exactly what else he wanted to do. I’m assured it’s not weird or anything, so I’m assuming it was along the lines of shagging her brains out.
Then he stopped texting. The absolute bastard (once he’d wanked off I imagine) left her hanging on the last text… quite possibly the same technique he uses in real life after demonstrating his inadequet female pleasing skills. She later (drunkenly – well she was with me, what do you expect?) text again (nooooo!) saying simply ‘You’re rubbish’. This would have been fine if she hadn’t ended it with the dreaded ‘X’.
Utterly ridiculously this was a much talked about Sext conversation both over the weekend and over lunch. And why??? She did not even like him that much in the first place. This was a guy who Nicole met when trying to get over someone else, purely rebound, and to embrace her new found sense of freedom and sexuality she went home with him and had a one night stand. The next week we went for coffee and our conversation went like this.
Nicole: ‘The thing is I don’t really even like him that much,’
Ritzi: ‘Then why are you bothered?’
Nicole: ‘I don’t know! But why isn’t he texting back?’
Ritzi: ‘Well, probably because he’s a twat and he already got his end away.’
A week later cue the drunken evening in our favourite theatre bar where she’s texting him and I’m texting the poor Office Boy. A few weeks later he’s still the subject of much heartache. What is that about these men that make them so appealing? One weekend VERY VERY SOON we are going to go out and she is going to get herself a Trilby-esque experience that leaves her free and liberated. I’m going to make sure of it, even if I have to don a moustache and shag her myself.
Speaking of Trilby, he texted me again. Ouch. Saying he had some time off and he would love to go for a drink or dinner or something… this was about a week ago and I’ve been putting it off. Now it’s too late to text back! I’m a bad bad person, but liberated! So it’s fine.